TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR
ONLINE DATING IN 2009

By Silly YoBo

Number 1:  Beware!
Don't believe everything you see.  Online dating differs from traditional dating in that you don't have the opportunity to actually meet the other person.  With traditional dating, you plan to meet at a designated location and at a designated time.  You can pre-arrange for a friend to call with an "emergency" – just in case you need an excuse to end the date early.  With online dating, a 400-lb. person with six teeth can post any photo to their profile.  Ignore your emotions and pay close attention to make sure that what a person says is aligned with what they do.  For example, if you have been emailing Mr. Hunk for over a year and he has never mentioned a dentist appointment, a doctor visit, or a gym membership, something ain't right with his story.  Likewise, if you've been emailing Miss 36-24-36 for a over a year and at 3:00 a.m. she's telling you to hold on a minute while she goes to check on her fried chicken in the skillet, something ain't right with her story either.

Number 2:  Beware!
All you know about people is what they say.  And people lie.  Therefore, take the money you're about to spend for glamour shots and invest it in a background check.  It's worth it.  Sites such as www.Intelius.com allow you to verify basic information – for free.  For example, I typed in my name and up popped my age, my spouse and children's names, and every city in which I have had a utility account.  For a limited time they are allowing a one-time search for only $1.95.  For those who have several online lovers, you can get a 24-hour pass for $19.95.  Please, pretty please, do a background check – especially if you have small children or have previously been unlucky in love. 

Number 3:  Beware!
Online con artists prey on unsuspecting men and women.  I worked with a woman who was quite smitten with a man she met online.  She was grinning from ear to ear and telling her love story to anyone who would listen.  I heard about it secondhand and immediately said, "He's a con artist.  His next move is going to be something about money -- if he's not done so already.  Please tell her to be careful."  But my friend didn't want to tell her, so she made the suggestion to someone who was closer to the woman.  That person did their own investigation and sure enough – he was an online con artist and was posted on one of those "Don't Date Him Girl" websites.  Whenever the issue of money arises, end the online relationship immediately – unless you're the one on the asking end. 

Number 4:  Beware!
Don't let him leave his town to move in with you.  If he wants you bad enough, let him move to your city, get his own place to live, and court you properly.  I pity the fool who gets stuck with a person who has no job, no health insurance, and no livelihood.  The goal of online dating is to get a mate, not a dependent.

Number 5:  Beware!
Heed the advice of friends and family.  Nobody is trying to throw salt in your game.  There are people who are genuinely concerned about you and your wellbeing.  My sister worked with man who met a woman online, went to her city twice to hook up, and the next thing we knew a wedding invitation arrived in the mail.  His kids took one look at the woman and it was apparent that she was not – no, make that she could not be all she claimed to be.  According to this woman, she was a  big-time somebody, and claimed to be all that and a bag of chips.  The poor man was so desperate and lonely that he believed every word.  I'm still trying to figure out why his friends let him marry that nut.  To this day they are still married and it is some kind of pitiful to watch. 

Number 6:  Beware!
Learn from the mistakes of others, such as the man in Commandment Number 5.  A friend emailed me about her new Boo.  I let her tell the story and then said the only thing a true friend would say:  "Do a background check."  Guess who emailed me to say ol' dude was not who he claimed to be? 

Number 7:  Beware!
Confession Time:  I have two online dating accounts.  Before you clutch your pearls, please allow me to explain.  I wanted to do my own experiment, you know, to see how this whole online dating thing works.  Online, I am a man.  I posted my Daddy's face.  It is a rather handsome photo of him taken at my brother's wedding 15 years ago.  Of course, I cut out Mama's face.  The day I created this account, Daddy had three hits before I could complete his profile!  The only thing true in Daddy's profile is that he is a widower, the father of five adult children, and a male ... but I reckon that last one shouldn't count since he is actually me.  Everything else is bogus.  (That's a nice way to say everything else is a lie.)  His profile says he attends church regularly.  That's a lie.  He has attended church four times in the last five years:  (1) Mama's funeral, (2) my Uncle Mo's funeral, (3) my Uncle Allen's funeral, and (4) with me on Father's Day 2008 – and my sister almost had to cuss at him to make him go with me.  His income, according to the profile:  between $100,000 and $200,000 per year.  Y'all ought to see the young hoochies sending half-naked pictures to him!   Here's my favorite:  According to Daddy's profile, he is in excellent health.  Daddy is currently sitting in his recliner in the livingroom where he will continue to sit until I get him up to change his soggy diaper.  (I hope I don't get struck by lightning.)

Update:  I received the following message by email:  This is a notification that someone has Bookmarked your profile at MARRIAGEMINDEDPeopleMeet.com.  Poor thing... I hope she gets this newsletter...

Number 8:  Beware!

Don't put all your personal business in your profile.  The term "con" is derived from "confidence".  The goal of a con artist is to gain your confidence.  They know exactly what to say because your profile clearly tells a con artist what you want to hear.   The same is true with traditional dating.  I know of a man who was the biggest ho in town and had the audacity to want to marry not just a virgin, but a Christian virgin.  It took two years but he did it.  When asked how he got that woman to marry him, he shamelessly responded, "I pretended to be somebody I wasn't."

Number 9:  Beware!

Online dating, just like traditional dating, is not an exclusive relationship.  My daughter's friend met Mr. Right online, dated that scamp for two years, and for the heck of it she created a different online account and contacted him.  If you're anything like me, you might be wondering why his profile was still active after two years of dating.  Anyway, he fell for it -- hook, line and sinker.  She eventually confronted him, and as with most con artists he had an answer:   "I knew all along it was you.  I wanted to see how long you were going to keep up that charade."  And like most of us needy and desperate women, she continued to share him.

Number 10:  Beware!
Anything that sounds too good to be true is probably not true.  Personally, I see nothing wrong with online dating.  Nowadays people do almost everything online.  They shop online, pay bills online, go to church online, earn a college degree online, socialize online – so it's not unusual to conduct another aspect of life online, such as dating.  At the same time, criminals also have resorted to conducting their business online.  The easiest place to find their next victim:  online. 

You have choices all the time ...
and all the time, you have choices!

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